What Gus Can’t Do
Don’t bold GUS.
Unclear what “led dents the floor” means.
Top of page 2, I’m feeling this is a tough read.
“Frightens the f*ck out of him” in the description text might frighten the f*ck out of agents reading this. Leave the spicy language to the characters.
CONT’D’s are clutter. You may consider losing them. I nix them on my scripts, always.
Nix character names in bold.
“Convenient story” – supposed to be “convenience store” ??
The script has texture and realism. Now it just needs presentability. There’s a good conflict being set up. I’m aboard. Honestly, I like the story so far. Now I want to trust the writer more though. The pages can’t be such a chore do digest. Fix the typos which means less typos, more professional presentation. Don’t give them an excuse to put it down.
Pare down the leaves/trees description a bit – and other descriptions like it throughout the script:
EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY
A large family of trees in view. Sounds of wind flowing through. Leaves clap.
Accompanying sounds: children, their laughter, their jovial language. A beautiful, serene moment.
(beat)
EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY
Trees, gentle wind. Children laughing. A serene moment.
The Eccentrics
All the CUT TO:’s are not necessary. New slug lines imply a hard cut.
The action is brisk and suspense is set up well. Watch out for typos: THEN; not “than”
p. 5 “He learns that XICHANG SPACE CENTRE is preparing to send up a missile to destroy…” How does he learn this?
SINCLAIR,S CAR should be SINCLAIR’S CAR
What works: the conflict and suspense. What doesn’t: It’s not clear what’s going on. There’s too many moments where we’re told something it happening instead of seeing it.
The presentation of the script is sub-par right now and needs to be 100% professional if it’s to be taken seriously. This may be a rough draft, so no worries in this stage if you’re still banging it out.
By the end of the pages, it’s clear that Sinclair is a villain. Before that, it’s not perfectly clear. I’m inclined to want to see a protagonist emerge in those 10 pages, rather than spending so much time with a villain. But if you can pull it off, by all means, go for it.
